What am I? Christian fool or depressed atheist,

Have you ever seen a commercial for a drug and realized that the side effects of taking the drug may be worse than the injury, or illness that it cures? I feel like that with Christianity.

Over many years I have become an irrevocable Christian, although I deny it to myself and to the world I cannot help but be tied to my steadfast beliefs. I justify my choices with logic but the only logic is my faith in god. When others speak against it I zealously fight against them and make more sensible arguments than I make for any other subject. I believe it, I trust it, I have faith in it but I run from it. Ultimately, as Keith Green said in his song Stained Glass, “My colors grow so dim when I start to fall away from him”. But I cannot consider myself Christian. I cannot go to church, I cannot study this bible. I cannot walk as a Christian for fear of The side effects.

I’ve been raised in the stereotypical Christian family. They are ridiculously irrational. They hardly ever think and blindly judge anyone they don’t understand first off. They choose ignorance rather than intellect. To be painted with the same brush would hurt me.

Every time I turn towards god, turn towards that life I feel satisfied. I know I have a calling that god wants for me, but that I refuse to take. I have suffered many days running from him but what else am I to do? To choose his path would be to choose his lifestyle and I cannot become one of those fools. I cannot become a hater, I cannot become mad. Christians are evil people, following a good god.

There is also the other thing. I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to be that kid who had conservative parents and became a conservative, who had Christian parents and became a Christian. I don’t want to be tarred with a brush that dissolves my individuality. I have experienced many things and seen many worlds but if I take up this life I would be throwing it away. From then on I would be thought of as ignorant, as a blind person who refuses to understand. I’ve been the guy who scoffs at Christian ignorance, I don’t want to be the victim of that.

But that fulfilling spirit, that vibe, that cheer that comes up whenever I accept his will is so all encompassing I cannot simply throw it back. Will I always be torn between these worlds. Ive spent most of my life in depression my happy moments only when I have only my bible and my heart as a guide. I don’t want to continue that, I don’t want either.

SO lost.

Another dumb rally

So todays rally was nearly as dumb as yesterdays. Instead of having random people come it managed to stay a group of people who all knew what they were talking about. For that I am totally proud of them.

Last time it was protesting a Wisconsin decision to destroy a government union. I see a little connection because at least Wisconsin and Portland Oregon are in the same country. This time however it was about a massacre in Lybia! Seriously? What is Portland government going to do about a situation in lybia? Run in with PC written across their shirts and hope they aren't shot on sight? If they were in D.C. They could advocate the governments interference in this issue, but this is Portland? There is absolutely no point whatsoever.

Katrina Frye

Some people call me arrogant, some people call me cocky. Some people call me smart, some people call me outspoken. One thing everyone calls me is true to myself. That is one thing that I have never let down. I speak my mind, I know my mind. No one in their right mind would call me shy, ever. No one in their right mind would call me slow, or stupid, or nervous. Except perhaps Katrina Frye.

It was a first date, unknown to her, it was my first date EVER. I am a loner and for some reason I couldn't tell you, I asked this girl out. I know NOTHING about her. Just saw her on FB and on a whim asked her out. She turned out AMAZING. Like seriously perfect. But what do ya know I get more shakes than a sex toy on a rainy Saturday. I got so nervous I could hardly speak. She talked about Michael Moore and I had 0 response. I hate Michael Moore and I know a hell of a lot about him but I just looked like an ignorant dumbass. There were like a billion ackward silences and it was soo crazy. I was tottally not myself, I can honestly say I have never been anything other than myself before this day. I am the incarnation of down-to-earth but I seemed like this lamo conservative bumkin from corporate america. I made the impression I was related to Glen Beck...

I can't believe that I am too shy to ask girls out I know and care about for years, but I can ask this girl out and somehow I screw it up. I can't continue to blame my singleness on my lack of proactivity...Im seriously a screw up. So I am done. No more asking girls out, just focus on this whole army thing. Lets hope it works out.

So I am standing in Pioneer square waiting for my date to arrive for lunch and I notice a rally forming. When it began it was formed to protest the winsconsin choice to abolish their government union. I admire them for trying regardless of how pointless it was to fight against a wisconsin situation in portland oregon. Anyway it began with about 10 people. But its portland, so it didnt stop there.
First came the anti-corporation people.
Then came the Pro-pot people
Then came the Pro-god people
Then came the Anti-war people
Then came the condom people
Then came those folk who just like to protest.

by the end it was over 100 people. A handful had any clue what was going on.

What was I doing this whole time? I was standing arm in arm with the rainman statue, talking quietly to it about the bizzare nature of portland protesting. When people asked me why I was talking to a statue I said this "You think I am crazy for talking to a statue?, who are they talking to, themselves?. And I went on my marry way talking again

After suffering through this riddiculous "Thing" I realized my date wasn't coming.

Priorities

I wrote this a while back on my FB page, but that was long before I started  blogging. So here it is, I like it.

Priorities. That is the key. We all want to do everything we want to do exactly when we want it done. Asking me if I want to go to the movies is hardly a question worth asking because of course I want to go to the movies. No, the question you want the answer to is whether or not that desire to watch a movie supercedes my desire to sleep, or whatever else I may also want at the time. With everything in life it is healthy to have a good sense of ones priorities. A “plan” could simply be a list of such priorities. In moral and ethical dilemas those priorities will come to an absolute and logical end result. If justice for the victims of a crime is prioritized higher than the golden rule than the question of the death penalty is an obvious yes. If you prioritize sex in a relationship over conversation then getting drunk is a very beneficial opportunity.

The Blind

The development of an opinion is dandy, but the development for an opinion at the sacrifice of a chance to do it again is all the worse. So much of this world is blind, unable to see past their own delusions. "Objectivity" is Cynicism". "Critical Thinking is bad". Today I was actually outright told by someone who I previously respected for an open mind that Critical thinking was bad. I had posted a short segment from someones post on Answers.com about the bizzaro nature of Christianity and she pounced, as all do who sacrificed their mind for their heart.

I have a gift, a gift and a curse. I see objectively. I have no emotional stake in ANYTHING I defend. I say what I see, only what I see, and everything I see. But this gift's curse is no laughing matter. Because of my objectivity I know that I cannot gain more knowledge in agreement. It isn't possible to development the mind fully with like-minded individuals so I have taken it as my post to disagree with everything and I do so quite well. It is in that post that I have become a loner, and it is in that post that I have learned more about human nature, about sociology, psychology, and economy than nearly anyone I have ever met. And by the time I am an old man I will undoubtedly be the wisest man alive. This is not arrogance but rather another objective statement following from the information I see.

I never lie, I would not desecrate knowledge like that. It is an insult to who I lie to, because their personal pursuit of knowledge is then hindered. What I say is what I see, and it is the sum of everything I see. If you offer me more knowledge I will see more and I will always reconsider my position. I will, as only I can, offer an alternative to EVERYTHING you say but know that it is not in anger, perhaps a righteous anger born from the fires of passion, a passion for learning.

Stereotyping

If you meet 20 people carrying sticks and 19 of them hurt people, your going to stereotype that people carrying sticks hurt people. its logic. Its natural. Its sensible.

If you find a population that is about 16% of the whole country, but who 84% of end up in jail at one time, and take up 38% of the jail system, your going to stereotype that said group is naturally criminal. its basic logic. That group happens to be black people.

Stereotyping is the natural accounting for majorities. It happens because it makes sense.

Dumb Things

These are the two dumbest things people do all the time that definitely annoys me.

1) Have a problem with the word "God". The reasoning is that his name is being used in vain, but that makes no sense because its not his name. God is the substitute for his name. Your want someone to use a substitute for the substitute. Perhaps a little history was in order. You see, many years ago there were people nearly as dumb as Americans. They wouldn't use gods name in vein. At the time the language was primarily oral, so when no one spoke it the next generation didn't even know it. The few who did no it wouldn't right it down so NOBODY knows the name of god. Therefore we cannot use his name in vein. GOD DAMMIT PEOPLE! =)

2) African Americans. They are incredibly rare. Most of the time they don't exist. If they do exist they are probably here illegally. African Americans implys that they are Americans who came from Africa right? Well guess what: I have met 1 African american in the whole of my life. If you are black, you are NOT African-American. So what, now we are gonna start calling me Irish-English-German-Native American-American. Screw you PC! YOU ARE BLACK PEOPLE