Have you ever seen a commercial for a drug and realized that the side effects of taking the drug may be worse than the injury, or illness that it cures? I feel like that with Christianity.
Over many years I have become an irrevocable Christian, although I deny it to myself and to the world I cannot help but be tied to my steadfast beliefs. I justify my choices with logic but the only logic is my faith in god. When others speak against it I zealously fight against them and make more sensible arguments than I make for any other subject. I believe it, I trust it, I have faith in it but I run from it. Ultimately, as Keith Green said in his song Stained Glass, “My colors grow so dim when I start to fall away from him”. But I cannot consider myself Christian. I cannot go to church, I cannot study this bible. I cannot walk as a Christian for fear of The side effects.
I’ve been raised in the stereotypical Christian family. They are ridiculously irrational. They hardly ever think and blindly judge anyone they don’t understand first off. They choose ignorance rather than intellect. To be painted with the same brush would hurt me.
Every time I turn towards god, turn towards that life I feel satisfied. I know I have a calling that god wants for me, but that I refuse to take. I have suffered many days running from him but what else am I to do? To choose his path would be to choose his lifestyle and I cannot become one of those fools. I cannot become a hater, I cannot become mad. Christians are evil people, following a good god.
There is also the other thing. I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to be that kid who had conservative parents and became a conservative, who had Christian parents and became a Christian. I don’t want to be tarred with a brush that dissolves my individuality. I have experienced many things and seen many worlds but if I take up this life I would be throwing it away. From then on I would be thought of as ignorant, as a blind person who refuses to understand. I’ve been the guy who scoffs at Christian ignorance, I don’t want to be the victim of that.
But that fulfilling spirit, that vibe, that cheer that comes up whenever I accept his will is so all encompassing I cannot simply throw it back. Will I always be torn between these worlds. Ive spent most of my life in depression my happy moments only when I have only my bible and my heart as a guide. I don’t want to continue that, I don’t want either.
SO lost.
As a Christian, the 2 greatest commandments I need to follow are to love God and love others. I would hope that I would not get lumped in with those who would bomb an abortion clinic or call gay people names. Even though I have been a follower of Christ since I was 7 years old, I have not lost my individuality. I feel free to look at an issue from all angles without depending on the church or a leader of some kind to tell me what to think. I was raised in a Christian home (thankfully) and believe much the same as my parents, but there are some differences. I have come to the conclusion that God has put me here for some very important reasons, not for nothing. And I believe that is the same for you.
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